my great struggle

original post Tuesday, February 24, 2009

you know I always think of why I don't have children! It really pisses me off sometimes too. When I was younger. I thought I want children but not a husband. I thought men were all bad and did not want anything to do with them. This was my liberal school teachers that taught me how strong and great the woman is without the man. I was so full of you know what!! I knew about sperm banks and that is all there was to it. I looked at men as an item I could have but did not need or want. So then when I got older I realized that children need a mother and father. That is just how it is. I thought about what my life would have been without my dad to guide me. My mother did alot don't get me wrong. But it was the natural family that kept me sane! My mother showed me how to be a woman of God. My father showed me how a strong Hispanic Man run's the home. So I decided I would be with a man but not marry one. I thought, that will take care of the problems of marriage. WRONG!!! it made more problems without the "Promise" of marriage. So now married. It was ok to have children now. A man and a woman to start the Christian family! We did what you do! and NOTHING!!! I kind of thought something was wrong and after 2 yrs of nothing, went to the dr! Now I am going to tell you the fertility DR is not just going to the DR!!!! All you people who say "why don't you go to the fertility DR! It is not an easy trip! It is the most emotional dr visit EVER!!! You go up and down! Your are injecting yourself and being poked and prodded!!! It is very discussing all together! Then when nothing happens or you have side effects!! PAINFULL side effects that no one talks about. Side effects that can kill you! that is a HARD visit. So one day you say to yourself "I am done!" I can't mentally do this anymore. People have a heart about it. you don't know all that I have been through. It is not just "having sex/making love" It is timed sex and not romantic" It is getting a negative pregnancy test! It is very painful. Anywho, so then you turn to adoption! This is actually something I have wanted to do all my life. I have never really wanted to get pregnant. I always saw myself with children but not pregnant. I could care less about the pregnancy. I don't care who says it. It looks so uncomfortable and scary. To have something grow inside of you that has to come out!!! Not my cup of tea. I don't know I was just not born with that in my mind/heart. So we do the adoption stuff. It is all very interesting. You know I think every perspective parent have this great feeling of "saving a child" but when you take the class. You learn. You are not just saving the child, they are saving you. You are not the only one with loss/grief, they are too. You are a parent without a child. They are a child without a parent. My woman urge is to be a mother. I don't know if my clock is ticking. (as they say) but I want a child so bad right now. All I think about is getting a child. getting my home ready for a child. What child I want. In thinking all this. It accured to me. I am not alone I am married. It is not just want I want but what we want. We want a child, we are doing this together. I am not alone on this road. Thank God for my husband. He is so great to me. There is not a man on this earth that could do what he has done for me. He along with God have helped me find Hope on this great struggle of mine. When I see my friends and family that just look at a man and get pregnant. I think they have "the pearl of great value". It is such a treasure. I hate to say that I do envy them this. It is not what they own or what they have. It is only that they so easy produced a child. then even though some of them have this great treasure they don't care. They treat them like an item they own. They care more for themselves and how others look at them then their own child. God gives us a treasure and we are to raise that treasure that truly belongs to him and him alone with great care. I can only image the type of parent I will be. not perfect but I will try to be the best I can be. I look at my parents and think they did the best they could. They did a great job. Anywho. we all have our own crosses. This is mine. I will carry it as far as I have to.